My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
