I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
