I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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