atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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