Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You pole danced in your parka.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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