Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
