I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
