There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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