i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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