weddingsv make me drug and hornr
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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