dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
