Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
