Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
