everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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