First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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