I think I just saw someone hide a body.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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