I didn't shave. On purpose
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
