just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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