The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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