My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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