Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
