honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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