Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
