Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
