The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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