Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
sarcasm needs its own font
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
