I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
