well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
