What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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