Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
