I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
