So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
