I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
