I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
