I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He has the fingertips of a God
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