You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
