i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
