Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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