There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
