Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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