I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
