If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You took a bar mat shot.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
