Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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