you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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