i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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