I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
