im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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