My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
