He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
