i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
